Of Loss, And Life, And Blogging, And Living....

My pretty, pretty mama - Vivien...
1925 ~ 2010.
She had looks that reminded me of Maureen O'Hara,
the Irish actress in so many of the old John Wayne movies...
She was quite a beauty with her raven hair and 
ice-blue eyes and lovely skin...
(for some reason in this photo, both her hair & her eyes
appear brown-ish but trust me, they were
raven black and
a spectacular & unusual icy blue.
Gorgeous.
But... she could also 
repair a tractor engine, fix household appliances, repair a flat tire, 
was a fabulous seamstress 
& made many of the clothes we wore,
did professional cake decorating from our home, and at
age 50 earned her nursing degree - 
all while raising 8 children.
And that's not the half of it...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


It's been quite a while in between posts... 
over two weeks, actually.

I'm so sorry I haven't been more "present" here.

Many of you may remember me mentioning a few times in the recent past, 

(like HERE)

that my mom

was ill and not expected to live much longer.

She was not expected to make it to Christmas, and yet her 

"strong like bull" character held her through for months past that...   :)

On Wednesday, March 31, at 11AM she left her tired, oh-so-weary earthly body 

and we were all around her as she did.

I'll never be the same after witnessing that.

I wanted to at least get back here to the blog to tell those of you who have asked about her

over the last few months about her passing.

I can't thank you enough -- each of you -- who has inquired about her either in an email,

or as part of a blog post comment or on Facebook.

It means so much -- "thank you" hardly seems enough,

but there it is:  THANK YOU.


Today we held my mother's funeral and for all the "holding it together" we've all
done up until now, it seems that now with the "formalities" over, 
the realities set in.  Suddenly it "hits you".


Many of you know the feeling -- 
you stay so busy in body and mind immediately following the 
death of a loved one, you hardly know what day of the week it is.
Seems all work is toward the goal of final arrangements, etc. and then 
that day comes 
and the services have all been held 
and 
then
what?


You go home.


And then your mind, which has been racing and racing with so many details and
phone calls, emails, tying up of loose ends...
now has
nothing to do
but
accept
the 
truth.


And you suddenly wish you had a million
details, loose ends, phone calls and emails to attend to.


Anything but the silent, slowed, stark reality that
you must move on with.


Its been said "Ignorance is bliss."


Perhaps in a similar way,
"Busy-ness is bliss."


Its the knowing that I can't just pick up the phone now and ask her a quick 
question about a recipe, or about the correct way to sew something...
There is a finality to it all now that is really setting in.


The photo below was taken just a few weeks ago on her
85th birthday.  After 62 years of marriage,
still...
the romance...
My sweet dad -- how I wish I could take his pain for him...
He will be so lonely without his sweetheart.

My mother was so ill, weak,
and soooo tired...


But you know, no matter how "expected" -- it is still shocking to your heart when it does happen.

This is another in a long line of events that God uses for me personally in getting my attention re-focused. 


These are the events in life that I liken to an image of a horse inside the fencing of a training ring:

The lone horse is wandering around inside the ring -- head down, nibbling, grazing, looking around, standing, staring, nibbling some more.... just sort of aimlessly "enjoying life" out there in the ring. 


He's completely forgotten that he is in the training ring -- and his master is growing impatient with his wandering and loss of focus. CRACK! SNAP!!!!

The trainer's long, long whip cracks and breaks the beautiful, restful silence the horse was enjoying 
and with the searing pinch of the whip on his hide, the horse now is at full attention again -- 
reminded that he is not out in the pasture
 but in the training ring. 


It's work time - not grazing time (yet).

Oh how we can also wander off course.


We are lulled by the beauty around us, the green grass of this life, the desire to graze and desire for ease.


 We forget we are not in the pasture, and He needs to regain our full attention sometimes. 


Thus... the CRACK and the sting we feel in our hearts, 
to lovingly bring us back to attention reminding us why we're here.

He's placed us in such beauty sometimes, that it does make it so easy to wander off -- not even in "bad" things -- just to rest and graze a bit much. 


He needs to shore us up again for His work.   And our hearts hear it:
 C-R-A-C-K.

I heard the whip on Wednesday at 11AM by my mother's bedside. 


It was loud. And it stung.
 How it stung. 

But with each passing minute/hour, I am thankful for the whip's reminder 
to steel myself anew for the work at hand. 


Thankful for the reminder through mom's eternal, final passing that we are not residents here -- 
we think we are -- but no.

"ALL EYES ON ME AGAIN" 
was the message I heard loud and clear.

So, as much as my flesh wishes at times not to have been witness to the events of this week, 
perhaps it will be those very images and memories that will serve as the
occasional "CRACK" and "SNAP" over and over in the future, 
when He sees that Ruthie is again shuffling her feet a bit, nibbling at the beautiful green grass a bit much, standing and just staring off into space a bit too long.... 


So no matter how painful they are, I count the memories of this week a blessing, 
for they may be the very thing used in the future to bring me back
on track and refocus my priorities back to where they should be.

I wish more than anything that I'd been living closer and had less on my plate, so I could have been more involved in the day-to-day help, like so many of my sisters/brothers were.

Even in this, my heart hears another "CRACK": 


"Heads up, Ruth. 
Do you think you might need to look at that schedule of yours and maybe do a little altering here and there?"


Ouch.

No one more than I wishes to be back to the writing "fluffy", carefree, 

"look at how I just rearranged my furniture today" kinds of posts.

And trust me, I'll be getting back to my fun blog posting in no time 
(my mom would want me to)  ;)

The honest truth is, when you've just lost someone as near to you as your mother, you're 

somehow just not quite as stoked about what the current home decor color trend is,

or what shade of gray best says "Swedish" for my dining room -- along with the accompanying

dozen photos of said room.

I love those reading those kinds of posts -- 
and I love writing them. 

I love being the one with the half-dozen paint testers ready to try out in a room 
and blog about it along the way.

I love telling about a trip I'm taking or a store I just found, 

But I'm not going on any trips anytime soon -- 

well, unless you count

trips to the grocery store and dry cleaners.

But you don't wanna hear about that, I'm sure.   :)

I'd give anything to be one of you who are jaunting off yet again to meet up with 

a group of gal-pals in some fabulous city for a weekend.

But again, I don't have any such "jaunts" planned and if you want me to be 
really crazy-honest with you... I get

sad reading about them.  


There are times I barely have time to remember

to shower, much less plan and go on trips.   

If I sound a wee bit jealous -- then I'm a good writer who communicates

aptly her inner feelings.  'Cause yes, Virginia -- I think at times I am a wee bit jealous.  ;)

Part of the blogging process is being "real" (at least for me it is) and right now,

for me, my life's events are not about crafting and gluing and painting and rearranging and

fanciful trips and girlie outings... oh how I wish it were.

And I know that technically this does not make for "good" blogging 
(as the books on blogging instruct us).

But if blogging is about getting to know someone on "real" level, then unless you're

made of plastic, you too will have a point in your life like this -- 

when there isn't as much "fluff" to write about as there is 

real-life-living to be done -- the kind that takes you away from blogging 

for a short while.

And hopefully brings you BACK to blogging with a new sense of

priorities and renewed appreciation for "the little things".

So yes, my heart is heavy right now.  No doubt.

It's only just been days since I watched my mother breathe her last.

But my heart is hopeful -- hopeful that in the next week, as I do get myself back

here to blogging regularly, 

that I will once again be one of the ones

writing to you about some fabulous new Etsy shop I found, 
or 

this fun new way I've re-done a room in my house.

{Hey, we recently had some really nice brick stairs built in front of our house -- 

does that count?   ;)   }

There is plenty going on in my life -- really there is,

I just can't seem to find the time all the time to blog about every little bit of it to you.

Just a couple of days ago, I photographed about 20 new things for the 

new "Up For Grabs" department on the store website.

I was so proud of myself for getting that done!

(Mainly because photographing things for the site is not among my

favorite things to do and I tend to put it off like I put off 

getting paperwork done.)   :)

My plan was to then sit at the computer that night and get them all

uploaded up to the store site for sale, then let you know about 

all new goodies here...

Things can change kinda quickly in real life...

Sooooo, those new items will be getting up on the site early
next week, whereas I'd planned on them being up for you by now.

I also promised you a giveaway on my last blog post.

I hope you'll allow me to do that on my NEXT blog post.

I just waned to at least check-in with you. 

 Let you know what's been going on

and what happened over the last few days.

Can you tell I'm tired?

Do you ever get that way?

Crazy phenomena, huh?

Guess I am a mere mortal after all... 

All the coffee in the world isn't going to replace just some good old fashioned REST 

for me right now.   :)

See you back here in the coming week?

Thanks for listening.

This is real life, baby, it isn't always easy, but it can be a blast.... you in?

You are loved

(and missed),

~Ruth~